Our story is not over. I need to understand why and what is needed to end this. Perhaps it will be in another life that our story will continue. Is this necessary? Do I resolve myself with this plan, that in this life the story has ended and I can let it go from my thoughts because we are done for now?
I need to be able to fully let go of you in this life. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days wondering what went wrong or remembering my dreams of how it was supposed to be.
In truth you have been gone from me for a very long time. I kept waiting for you to return but you were an empty shell that was in my life. You didn’t radiate you. You weren’t you. You left me and returned a stranger.
Perhaps you didn’t want to be a part of the new me, the life of me as a mother. Perhaps I could no longer give you the attention you needed in this life. Whatever it was you were not there even when you were there.
You could be sitting next to me on the couch or in a different room, but you weren’t who I remembered and I so longed for your return. I wanted to look towards you and you towards me and remember who we were. I was complacent. There was nothing I could do to get you to see me, to return to me.
Where did you go? Why did you leave me?
You left, yet you were still there needing something from me. Even what you needed felt off. I don’t think you knew what you needed. You stopped being. You were a shell living a life not only unrecognizable to me but I think also to yourself.
I know now, after years of absence it is too late but I still often feel like that girl looking across the room at you waiting for your return.
Has our story ended?
I think in reality, there is no other way. Too much time and space has come between us. The hard part is that I know our story hasn’t yet ended. Can we just end it now and stop this pain so it doesn’t continue into the next life? Because pain it will be. If we end now in pain, we begin again in pain.
How do I, we, get through the pain?
He didn’t want you. If he wanted you he wouldn’t have checked out. This is a painful realization, I know, but you need to know this truth so you can stop wondering what went wrong. He didn’t want you and couldn’t even admit this to himself, let alone you. That’s why it has been so easy for him to start over. He didn’t want you. He didn’t want you. If he wanted you there’s nothing that would have kept him away from you (and the kids).
When I go back in time I see it was me trying to convince you. Me trying to make you see and want me. It was me in the 11th grade that convinced you to take me back after you broke up with me. It was me who suggested and pushed marriage. It was me who planned and implemented our moves and various trips. It was me who wanted to start having the babies. It was me who wanted us. It was me.
He didn’t want you, I keep hearing. He didn’t want you.
Twenty nine years I have lived this myth. For so long I waited and hoped, to end now at a cliff that I’m being pushed off of, bullied and coerced into falling.
When I turn back, the world behind me is blurry and unrecognizable yet familiar. I am no longer welcome in that world. I don’t even have the option to walk back.
There is only one direction for me to go, and that is over. I look back behind to check for one more thing. My wings. They’re tightly attached. With fear I attempt to step but instead choose to leap. I am caught in the wind and I glide.
I glide to a life where I am wanted. No more looking back.