I wonder sometimes what I could get done if my days weren’t full of the have to’s: laundry, cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, pet care, and all the other things.
If I stop with, enough time to imagine, I can see my world without all the have to’s open before me. Perhaps I could get involved in a cause, or an organization, or I could really put my writing foot forward. Then I ask myself, am I making excuses? Am I using all my listed responsibilities as an excuse to not do?
I’m not really sure. I do feel that my have to’s drain me both physically and creatively and when I get a free second I am too stumped to know what to do. It’s like I have forgotten how to want to do anything. With so little available time to want and to be free I have lost the ability. Knowing how to want and do is not the same as riding a bike apparently.
So then I ask myself, if I had no real responsibilities, like when I graduated college and the whole world was open before me, what would I do? Ironically when this really happened 20 years ago I was both too fearful to escape my comfort zone for too long and I was too critical of anything I did and wanted to do. Oh to go back and either slap some sense into myself or to know what I know now, only then. What would I do today with that open canvas? I’m not quite sure. And this my friend may be the problem. If I can’t even imagine what I would want to do if I was open to do anything then how will I do know what direction to go on when I have minimal time and openness now?
And time passes and I leave my house to drop off plants at a neighbors, who is raising money for the Nature Conservancy, and I drive by the house of an acquaintance, a wonderful, kind and loving man who died one week ago today. His name was Steve and he was one of those people who I felt could look at me and see me and offer me unconditional acceptance. I wanted to get out and sit where he sat and feel him close but now it’s too late. It’s in these times when I and we realize that we go through life all too often oblivious to what’s right in front of us. In his life gone, I contemplate my own life.
I go home to be superwoman. I am quiet but does anyone notice? Probably not because I’m good at wearing an always smile and being there when needed and how needed. I go back to my have to’s and finish up dinner and I stare out the kitchen window looking out and not seeing the poop strewn yard but I see the birds and the budded flowers and bushes, and I see the squirrel who lives in our owl house. I can see life differently at these times and remember that life isn’t about the have to’s but its about living each and every minute with hope and possibility.